Almost 50

Reaching my half century feels as remote a possibility as it was when I was just turning twenty. I just can’t get my head round the fact that I’m soon to be that old.  At 49, I’m panicking that ultimately my life won’t have amounted to all that much, and the potential I showed at 21 was blown away while I drifted through one open door after another without considering if it was the right door, or if I should rattle the handle on a few closed ones first…Photo on 11-09-2013 at 18.43Photo on 11-09-2013 at 18.37 #2

Truthfully, I can’t pretend that I feel all that young anymore now that I can’t read without glasses and the skin on my hands is looking baggy, but neither do I feel ready to be considered old. My grandfather, at 60, said he was just approaching his middle-age.  We laughed about it, funny old Grandpa who survived two World Wars and died in a nursing home aged 95 – but now I get that what he said wasn’t meant to be funny, it was how he must have felt and what the mid-life crisis is all about. Life accelerating, whizzing all too fast.

The debris of my life past, littered with the quest for many adventures, and peppered by the ravages of family, friendships, relationships and kids are nothing other than a succession of journeys of self-discovery while I’ve been trying to find out who I am, what my talent might be, and what’s going to spark my desire to get up in the morning and to make something significant out of my day.

As soon as I can shake the offspring I’ll be ready to begin the thing I should be doing with my life and not just constantly rehearsing for it. The sad fact is, that while I’m now rapidly approaching my 50th decade I’m still just as unsure as I ever was what career path to follow.  Added to which, in a world of rapidly increasing change I’m running on a hamster wheel in order to assimilate new skills onto into my resume at a furious pace but still I don’t move forward. I just do it in the desperate attempt to slow the slide into the invisibility of old age.

This post was prompted – and frankly, if I’m to do anything nowadays outside the relentless everyday routine it needs to be prompted by somebody else’s inspiration. So thank you Tara Cain for your week 157 of The Photo Gallery: Selfie where I can have an excuse to turn the focus back on Me, me, me!

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3 thoughts on “Almost 50

  1. You had me at “The debris of my life past, littered with the quest for many adventures, and peppered by the ravages of family, friendships, relationships and kids are nothing other than a succession of journeys of self-discovery” You may be worrying about your age Jessica but you’ve nowt to worry about with your writing!

  2. Don’t know exactly how I stumbled upon this entry, but I have to say it struck a chord within. You pretty much tick all the same boxes I’ve been ticking for far too long and it’s nice to know someone else is going through the same thing, just more eloquently stated.

    BTW, thank you for letting me know I’m not the only one noticing the baggy hands skin! I really thought I was the only one

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